My Journal of staying raw, working out, reaching and maintaining 120 pounds.
Raw Food Boot Camp Page 1
Introduction
I applied to and was accepted to the Raw Food Boot Camp on January 12, 2006 - 060112. I did four weeks of it and released 13.5 pounds.. then messed with my own success and regained 7 pounds... did a lot of thinking for a week, and a lot of eating and officially left camp. I thought some more and accepted when I was invited back and am down a net of 11.5 pounds as of today(060220). Only 170 to go! I figured out that I know a lot, but don't know how to take this weight off completely alone. I am keeping a blog on the website, that will now be stats for food and exercise. Here I will discuss all the other stuff that comes up for me as I get to my goal. I will update this daily, add pictures for fun and to show results.. and share the process as I go through it. The specifics of diet, workouts, rules and regs of camp, other camper's experience will all remain on the RFBC website. I will only be sharing my stuff here. I found so much support by reading other people's public blogs, so much info and so many great hints about pitfalls to avoid that I simply have to offer this back in gratitude. Plus the extra sets of eyes watching will encourage me to continue. The biggest and best reason I feel confident to share this trip with you, is because I know I will be making it to my goal. I currently weigh 290 pounds and will be at my goal in about a year to 15 months. That is faster than bariatric surgery and in my opinion a lot healthier a choice. I am shooting for a body fat of below 9%, as I understand from those who have gotten that low; bodybuilders and former fat folks like me, that the skin shrinks up to meet the body when the fat is all gone. The diet is low fat 100% raw vegan and the workouts start with an hour of exercise a day.
Here are my blogs from the beginning.. I kept the specifics of camp out of here.. but calories and workouts are here..
Friday I ate 1944 calories @12% fat and did over an hour of walking, T-tapp and dancing
Day 3 Saturday - Calories 1729 @ 14% fat, I have had a headache most of the day, feel very fatigued again. I will be doing T-tapp and dancing before bed - at least an hour.
Day 4 Sunday 1/15/05 - I had a rough day or so, lots of detox tears. But woke today feeling much happier. I did get in the workouts and am enjoying the food so much! I walked and danced yesterday for just over an hour. Today I have done a half hour walk... even chose to climb the hills - I went up California street.. even sore, it was no biggie. I did not have to stop to catch my breath once. I like that. T-tapp I began last Sunday... I am much better at it, but still uncoordinated. I am only doing the fifteen minute routine still. I can see all the benefits, though. It is really like a girdle is on my torso... I like it. I will take pics today, and all the measurements.. I am down to 298 lbs from 301.5 in just three days.. and I call this complete validation of camp. grin I REALY like that. I love raw, had no problem being raw, and was only disappointed in not losing more weight in the 45 days of it I did. This raw fruit and veg really rings my bells. I am making the green smoothie each day - it usually ends up being two 30 glasses full and I am getting in more and more greens each time and still loving the taste. I got grapes today that were a party in my mouth! The food is simply wonderful. I had strabwberries yesterday... and have blackberries today. I used to drop five dollars on a cake.. no problem, no guilt.. so I let myself get 'treat' raw food, too. Treat myself to and as the very best. I am sore.. that is no joke.. I was slacking on workout while doing part raw... and they feed into each other.. cooked food makes me want to sleep, lie still, digest.. so I don't move which makes me sluggish, and I want sugar/chocolate to perk me up... which makes me sleepy and lie still.. watch TV. So, no more of that.. I can feel the raw energy coming back and I like it. I have my sportblocks now, and christened them tonight. grin 2019 calories @ 14% fat
Day 5 Monday - I am eating and eating and eating. I cannot seem to get enough today. I want to feel the weight of my body, or perhaps I am reacting to having posted before pics of me showing naked arms last night (which I took down after awhile). No matter what, I feel the drive to EAT today. I am eating only low fat raw food, but I want more and more and more. I am almost chuckling at the silliness... more food when I am actually full? How absurd. But the drive is there.. So, I am going to give myself something else to challenge myself.. I am going to do both of the T-tapp workouts now. Later: I danced for fifty minutes.. really hard. That was great. I did only a few minutes of T-tapp and got so restless. Boogieing really gets me sweating and releases tons of tension.. some I did not even know I had. I had done a half hour walking earlier today.
I have ordered yoga dvds - Yoga for the Rest of Us. I saw it on PBS once and even was able to do it along with her. I liked it. I used to do Yoga daily at one time. I need variety in movement. I love to walk. Climbing this city's hills is big fun for me. And dancing, of course. But, stretching and breathing and using different muscles is a really smart idea and feels good. I am uncomfortable right now with T-tapp. I want to like it. I sure like the results -and it is only fifteen minutes. Maybe with repetition I will like it more as I get stronger. Yesterday I did a small upper body workout with the sportblocks after dancing. I am thinking I might need to join a club or gym and get sweaty with some other people. I know there is a Curves near enough to me. I think I will go by there in the next couple days and go in.. that is the hard part.. going in. grin
Calories 2244 @ 20% fat I am getting to really like using Fitday, actually.
Day 6 Tuesday - Not a great day for me. I did an hour walk, ate low fat raw. But, have been blue and weepy all day long. Cannot seem to snap myself out of it, must be more detox... sigh. I am being as patient as I can. But, this is not fun. I did buy a five dollar watch at Walgreens to time my walks more easily. Even getting all sweaty climbing hills is not helping. I am going to hit the sheets early today and see if tomorrow is better. I might try to dance first.
Calories 1639 @ 17%
Dancing comes to the rescue again. I did dance for 35 minutes and I got drenched, I will shower and hit the sheets. I feel more powerful, if not happier. That is really worth it! I got to thinking as I drank my water... I wonder if some of my restlessness and moodiness is my body telling me it wants to move more. I am going to do a walk first thing... then a regular workout later in the day and see if that makes a difference. I do feel an amazing willingness to climb stairs, climb hills, carry heavy stuff, pop up in the middle of a TV show - even one I like. I think this is the right form of raw at work.
Day 7 - Wednesday - Feeling much better I am down a total of 6.5 pounds in six days. I made sure to drink two big glasses of water before bed. I was dehydrated cause the scale moved and I was not up every hour going to the potto. I went for an hour's walk with my new watch, doing laps around Lafayette Park. It is hilly and really got me hot, sweaty and my legs feel all rubbery now. I like that - I am buzzing with energy, wide awake and no blues in sight. Now, that is the way to wake up. I will do weights and T-tapp later.. I just feel fantastic. grin Yay!! I did the T-tapp basic plus workout and then danced for a half hour.. I was drenched. It was grand! 1560 calories @ 9% fat
Day 8 Thursday - I woke with a runny nose, sore throat. I did a half hour walk.. got all sweaty climbing these hills. I am going to take ginger capsules with lots of water and have oranges and grapes and see how I feel. I know this is not a cold, but more detox. My spirits are very high, so I know that my body loves this!! I did another ten minute walk and will do T-tapp and a little dancing before I go to bed early.. I want this detox to pass ASAP. My head is now congested. Blech!! Finding it hard to eat. I am not hungry. So, I am going to trust that and sleep. Did 20 minutes of marching and dancing in place and will take a hot shower and hit the sheets. Do not feel good.. more ginger and water just before bed.
Calories 1306 @ fat 5%
Day 9 - Rough night, could not sleep. Finally did only to be awakened by a sales call.. I really hate that. Slept again, then up and out for a half hour hill walk got all sweaty. I have had grapes and bananas today. Still have a clogged head, runny nose, but aches are gone, no sore throat. I feel better. So, more ginger capsules, water and maybe another smoothie - very liquid. Maybe a warm lemonade with cayenne and honey, I will see how I feel. I know this is detox cause it is moving on out so fast. grin I like that. I even found a salve that helps with the kleenex nose irritation. Smells like almonds.. I figure if I can still smell I am not dead. I found a 5k race for Feb 5 here in Golden Gate Park - I know I can do the length walking now, so I am thinking this could work. The real challenge will be getting up early enough to do the race. It starts at 8am... I have been keeping vampire hours - working at night and sleeping in the early part of the day. Physically I feel pretty rotten, head clogged -headache, deep bone fatigue, runny nose, sneezing - blech. But emotionally and spiritually I am feeling fantastic.. so, I know this is detox. Call it a cold if you want, I know that is not it. Somehow I will get in that other half hour of movement.. I certainly breathe better when I am moving.
Calorie 1457 @ fat 6%
Day 10 Saturday - I only got in 50 minutes of walking yesterday... I am not pleased, but I fell asleep, thinking it was only going to be yet another nap and woke and it was today. At least my head is not as clogged, nose not as runny. I am getting through the detox. I just got back from walking the park.. I did 3 laps this time, took an hour and ten minutes and I am really drenched. Those hills are fabulous for getting the heartbeat up. I expect I will need to up my laps numbers to easily do the 5K on Feb 5 - I will focus on that. So nice to breathe out of both nostrils and not have to blow my nose like mad when I get home. I love how this feels!! Sicker later.. head clogged, nose running.. feel rotten. Sleep!!
Calories 1030 @ 6% fat
Day 11 Sunday - I took an offical rest day.. I went to bed feeling really rotten and woke sluggish and thick headed, so I rented some movies and stayed in, kept warm and rested. I ate what felt like a ton of low fat raw food.. it was kinda fun and I feel better today.
Calories 1269 @ 16% fat
Day 12 Monday - I slept deeply and woke still detoxing; head clogged, white tongue, runny nose and sneezing - this is getting old at day 5. I did an hour of climbing the hills which was not fun, and came home to the mail delivery of my book by Tonya Zavasta on Raw Beauty. I also got my jaw exersizer from Rawfamily.com and began chewing.. weird, but feels good.
Calories 1227 fat 19%
Day 13 Tuesday - I slept for over 12 hours - still runny nose, clogged head.. Walked for 20 minutes - dragged myself. I did another ten minute walk and then 30 minutes of dancing later.
Calories 2456 @ 20% fat
Day 14 Wednesday - The not so good news: I am down a pound this week(normal for heavy detox, folks) 294 lbs. I am really disappointed, I confess. I have been 100% raw at low fat all week. I have done my workouts except for one day I missed 10 minutes and took Sunday off to rest and try to throw off this detox. I am discouraged with this result. And I have thought about it.. I do tend to be a whoosher when I drop weight. I am two weeks late for my period. I did have salt liberally on my food this week... And I have been in major detox for five days straight.... even so, at my weight I expected another big week. I felt like I needed another big week. Going to have to 'do a number' on my head, as my Dad used to say. Get over the scale and focus on the fact that I am raw.. coping with all the emotions that fat used to bury. That I have 13 days under my belt and that no matter what the scale says the belt can go tighter. And this still sucks. It just does. I have dieted so often before that the bad memories are all coming up. Blech!!
The good news: My face is finally calming down.. I kept getting those huge cycstic zits and now they are going away.. no new ones for two days.. I hope that means I cleansed out whatever that icky was. It is nice to have a face that does not hurt. I am getting that raw glow - even with healing zits, I look brighter, more dewy in the face. I like that. This coming week I get to try the Ultimate program - The Ultimate Challenge... Just read the post by Carlene and I am so ready to do this.
Meanwhile: Calories 1251 @ 7% fat, 20 min walk, 10 min walk, 15 min t-Tapp, plus watched the 45 minute workout to prepare to do it tomorrow, 15 min dancing - lots of resistance to working out today. Reading Tonya Zavasta's book Beautiful on Raw.
Entry Day 15 Thursday - Up and went right out... 30 minute walk. FINALLY head is clear and nose is not running. Yay!!! One really good thing to start the day. Nightmares of being back in my old work situation.. trying to hide who I really am and fit in... I see this as a new awareness of who I am really coming out from under all the fat I ate to smother it, no longer able to pretend that I am okay with everything the way it was - most noteably me and not just my body, but my niceness. I am really getting to see how much is real and how much was me just trying to avoid seeing how uncomfortable I was in this big body. In this fat life. No, I am not much fun to be around right now... especially for me. Lots of resistance about working out.. so I got lots of red fruit.. raspberries, apples, strawberries.. I need the analgesic that Tonya says is in them.. grin
Calories 1125 fat 10%, another walk.. climbed the park - 1 hr 15 min... I like the harder, longer workouts!! I think I am getting stronger already!! This program FEELS different, even two days I feel the inner furnace roaring.. Good!!!
Day 16 Friday - I am having lots of fun finally with Tonya, after getting through the first several chapters. Gabriel will be next.. cause I want to know. I love knowing, and then I can choose and decide for myself. I am glad to be doing the Ultimate Challenge in some ways.. the nfood feels great inm y body. And I love the heavier workouts. Feels more real and more like I imagined myself to be. One of my sisters is being so supportive about this. She is going to Carlene's seminar in March!! And she says I need to watch GI Jane for inspiration.. cause Jane kicks butt! Maybe I am ready for that especially since Demi is raw. grin And then there is Viggo being all tough, too. So, I am going to go see if I can rent it. Another sister has been doing green smoothies for just a couple weeks and after being totally resistant to the idea of raw... she is noticing how much more her body likes the smoothies, her salads and how much less it likes the cooked food at her cafeteria and even her own home cooked food. Plus she is regular 1-2 times a day for the first time in her life.. And loves that. So...
Calories 1141 @ 5% fat, 15 minute walk, 1.5 hour park walk
Day 17 Saturday - I had a whoosh.. I am down 4 pounds overnight.. total so far is 11.5 pounds. Big sloppy grin
1915 calories @ 5% fat, 20 min walk, 30 min walk, 10 min walk
Day 18 Sunday - Major Raspberries on this day. I am craving like mad. I want creamy, I want rich, I want super sweet. Man, this was a surprise. I did not think that the high sweet fruit had such a hold on me, that I would drave the complexity of recipes... I feel plain, I am eating plain. I guess this is what just eating for fuel is more like.. when I eat it is tasty.. but not thrilling. Just venting here. no way am I slacking!!!! My body on the other hand feels pretty great. So!
Calories 1506 @ 17% fat, Rest day
Day 19 Monday - 35 minutes walking, 1 hr 10 minutes walking
1282 Calories @ 12% fat Cravings got so STRONG - I actually went and looked at the cooked food in Whole Foods.. I realized I was on the edge of caving.. so I made a raw meal.. pesto over tomatoes. I was totally satisfied by it and am again strong.
Day 20 Tuesday - 1 hr walking
1141 calories @ 6% fat
I had connection problems with the internet and found I cannot solve them the way I thought.. major frustration. So, I called a sister, went for a short walk and then went to bed.. I woke feeling much more positive.
Day 21 Wednesday - I bought a laptop to try and solve my online connection problem - it will be here soon. I much prefer to not move and focus on my health progress and my new work. They are priority. Now to go get a ton more fruit... I am loving how I feel on low fat simple raw. My body does not like garlic, not even in the light pesto. Going to have to reach down deep and really allow this to change me. Now, that is exciting. Weight loss is great, but this change, well it is life transforming. I can feel it. I moved my computer, totally rearranged the room in a whole new creative way and already connection is better. So. I am on track to do the 5k this weekend and am actually looking forward to it. I have been getting up in the mornings. Daylight is nice.. even when through the rain.. like today. grin
Calories 1643 @ 14% fat, 1 hr park walk, 30 min moving furniture
Thursday Calories 1525 4% fat, 1 hr 25 min walk
Friday - Calories 1550 10% fat, 30 min walk, 1 hr 30 min walk Yesterday sucked major. I got my period over 3 weeks late, was sore from training for the race, had multitudinous problems with internet connection, got bad news about my possible solution and could not get on the camp site for more than a couple minutes ALL DAY!! I was not a happy camper at all.
It is simply more detox. With feedback from you all, I realize that this anger is more detox. Glad to know it, I can handle detox. I know it will pass, it is not a problem to be solved. Thanks!
Saturday, Sunday, Monday - The scale is not moving.. biggest reason has got to be the salt and fat in the recipes. And a surprisingly big emotional stress this past weekend, my mom's birthday and remembering where the family was this time last year. Major pain, both physical with back injury and losing Mom. Not an excuse, just what happened. I prefer how I feel on low fat, simple raw for sure. Not hard to get back to it. Cannot do the race on Sunday because of backinjury -Blech!!! I pushed myself too hard. shrug - Rest and heal.
Saturday - 1600 calories @ 10% fat ,45 minute walk... began walking, ended hobbling with
Sunday 2144 calories @ 17% fat, 40 min slow walk, 30 min slow walk Back better, not enough to do the race.. not pleased.
Monday 1182 calories @ 5% fat, 1 hr slow park walk, 20 min walk back is doing better
Tuesday and Wednesday I ate cooked food on Tuesday. Been upset since, even though I returned to raw with the next meal. I confessed and got great feedback, that I hated. Then I thought hard and got to this: Coming really clean - You are so right, Fellow Campers. I did not ask for help. I did think of it but had so many doubts about dumping on others, not knowing how to actually do it and feeling deeply ashamed for needing it. Illogical perhaps, but totally the way I was raised. I need some suggestions of what to say, how to word it. What to ask for. I am not being glib, I don’t know the words.
I had an extra element this weekend pressuring me and that was my mom’s birthday was Saturday. I was hit surprisingly hard feeling her loss and reliving what happened last year at this time. She spent her last birthday in the hospital. I and my whole family were in shock. That was truly the worst part of her passing – knowing it was actually happening. I talked with my sisters and we each had a rough, rough weekend. I sure did not know how to ask for help, nor did I have any idea what anyone could do to help if I knew how to ask. I sure did not want to whine about this and felt any mention of it would be a whine. It made being unable to race a much bigger downer.
I was not giving myself enough credit for what I was accomplishing. I had gotten stronger, had much better wind, more stamina and could workout strongly climbing these hills for well over an hour at a time… and I loved it. Instead of delighting and being proud of that, I demanded more of myself and at a faster pace. The injury happened while moving furniture without having warmed up the muscles. It was not part of my regular workout. And as happy as my body is with low fat raw, I was really angry that I had only taken off 13.5 pounds in 4 weeks having expected to lose twenty – and that the scale had not budging for 11 straight days of almost darned near perfect performance of diet and workouts. To be fair, who knows if I would have had a whoosh of four pounds or more today or tomorrow… I got very impatient and totally focused on the scale – and lost sight of the fact that I had taken off 13.5 pounds.. .more than twice what I had lost on 45 days of high fat raw.
I see that I need to start focusing on the positive more, celebrate each day and each pound. I am going to figure out a way to do that in a tengible way… stickers, little charms, tokens, new clothes, nonfood treats.
I see that I need to learn to ask for help, feedback, comfort and support… even just validation of what I am going through and will promise to SOS however I can before I go for any cooked food. I see that I need to let you all know what is going on with me, even if I feel embarrassed or ashamed of it.
I hated confessing. I hated reading all the feedback, but I am very grateful for what I have discovered. Thank you!!
Wednesday 2/15/06 - I am up another two pounds on the scale, small price to pay for this clarity and sense of purpose. I spoke at length with my sister and was able to get us clear about y possible trip to AZ to see Calrene with her.. I am not going now. I slept deeply, had dreams of untying knots, loose ropes.. and I woke ready to face the scale and the work ahead... somehow it is really okay. I will keep my goals reasonable, plan any changes... never have I done that. Another sister wrote me that she got to thinking after we had talked and that this facing of the food habits of our family is in effect growing up about food. She is doing it her way and sees that I am doing it mine. The biggest part of it is letting food be fuel and allowing ourselves to feel the rest of our lives - and choosing from there. That sounded so right to me. Thanks to each of you who welcomed me back and posted to my blog. I am very glad to be back and this clear.
Ate well, and did a 20 minute walk, 40 minutes of dance - plus a half hour hike.
Tuesday 2/14 - I left camp officially on Sunday, my food has been all over the map and I thought I got close to clarity and focus, but immediately lost it over and over. Today Carlene sent me an email asking me if I had changed my mind. I emailed her previously what I thought was going on with me. Well, I got all upset thinking of having left here.. I felt so confused and no happier or clearer than when I left.
Being a couple weeks into camp was good and bad for me.. I could see that it worked, I could do it, and not having the ability to stuff my feelings at all.. well, I simply could not bring myself to be honest with my own sister. I felt so responsble. She was inspired to begin her rawness by a book I sent her, followed in my transforming footsteps, was really high raw because of me and if I could not hack it, well I was letting her down. I felt that more than I felt my own disappointment in myself.
I realize that this was the way I always related to people. I made their happiness and health a higher priority than my own. I sacrificed what I really wanted to try and show them how much I loved them... boy, does this not work for me anymore.
I still have residual habits with my sisters, and we are all missing my mom so we are more vulnerable to each other right now. I spent some time crying because I really don't know how to be a friend or a good sister now.. my old rules won't work and I have so few new ones. So, I am trying honesty. One email and a phone call and I could see clearly for the first time in weeks.. I don't feel crazy. I feel so calm.
I am back. I will weigh tomorrow and report in. And I will do the next 30 days straight camp... no upping the ante - increasing workouts, or messing with the food. I will post daily, do my research and make my dolls.
Maybe this makes no sense to anyone else - this is very old family stuff for me, this show biz stuff. My parents met in acting school, both older sisters are life long musicians, the third only recently changed careers to banking. Art is and always was more important than health, wealth... Art and education ruled in my house.
To choose to quietly, calmly and with no other motive than health - pursue consistant, tenacious focus on my body and it's highest needs to attain health... Well, neither parent had been able to do it, and my sisters each have their own battles with food and weight.
So, I gotta give myself some credit for being able and willing to do this. And I need, most of all to do it. I hope you all will forgive my confusion. I won't be leaving again... of that I am determined. Not until I reach goal and have maintained for six months.
Thursday 2/16/06 - I am down on the scale by 3 pounds after one good day of food. I am so grateful for the effects of raw food. I slept heavily... weird haunting dreams. It is very cool out but the sun is bright and I will go for a nice long walk now. It is supposed to start raining again tomorrow.
Food is wonderful... I ate a whole small watermelon and plan on doing that again tomorrow.. Man, are they wonderful. Every bite was heaven. They used to call me Ellen Melon when I was a kid.. grin I am going to be living up to that this summer for sure. Spending a lot of time in the bathroom... and I feel lighter. grin
Walked to the Health Food Store to get the watermelon and ten other pounds of produce and huffed and puffed back home up the hills. Did a gentle walk for an hour - right ankle is hurting for reasons unknown. Moved furniture again for fifteen minutes... very carefully to avoid stressing my back. Did another fifteen minutes of dancing.. it was fun.
Friday 2/17/06 - Strange dreams and nightmares... being chased by bad guys through Macy's, escaping through the freight elevator only to end up in a rough area of town, climbing down from high buildings.. Then as a guest of Martha Stewarts' daughter, Martha shamed me about my speech, enthusiasm and manners. I tried to call my sisters and my cell phone had grown tiny number wheels and I could not connect. As I tried, a guy I kinda know from here yelled at me for getting impatient.
I am down another 2 pounds.. and I can feel it in my body. Yay!! More watermelon for me today. And a walk in the rain might be nice, too.
60 minute walk, 30 minute walk. I got some of the last persimmons, new red plums from the far health food store. And two 7 lb watermelons from the closer one... grin Twenty pounds to lug up those hills... I got all sweaty and it felt good.
Saturday 2/18 - Oh Crappy Day!!! Oh, my crappy day!! LOL Sing it!! I mean that literally.. boy, have I been on the toilet.. just another symptom of eating dehydrated foods for me. Actually, it was not bad. I was just moody and I only figured out why later, so I spent today broody. I did manage a good 30 minute walk and will be dancing in just a bit for another 30 minutes. But I was unstressing (crying, whining internally) for most of the afternoon. I bought and ate Pizazz Plus raw crackers yesterday - it is made by Blessing's Foods out of Berkeley and is raw - but dehydrated. There is a small amount of sprouted nuts.. but along with fruit, I was fine fat wise.. I even digested it okay, or so I thought. And I got a pizza hit from it like crazy. I did have to guzzle a quart of water an hour or so later, though - even after more fruit. So, the salt level affected me, even if it is sea salt.
Today... well, digestive woes, like gas. Lots going on there. Icky stuff.. and everything about me smelled to me. I did not ask anyone else. Phew.. I stinked. Pee, poop, sweat.. blech! Me no like the effects of the spices, salt and nuts.. I should be more accurate - my body prefers plain food best. I began this whole adventure because of the two gall stones attacks I had in Oct 2004 - I have been flirting with raw, doing cleanses, flushes.. and got serious around August.. so, this journey is continuing and my body is my authority. And it likes the thing that was too hard for me just a week or so ago.. plain, non fat raw food. Well, I can waste my time, continue to flirt with dehydrated (translation to me is mock cooked food) complicated recipes, limitations I fight, rules, regs, calories, fat % or I can just get on with it already... What is holding me back from totally giving myself to this new life? This new way of eating??
Well, I watched Cast Away tonight and wept like a child.. and I got it: familiarity. That is all. I am familiar with being overfull, overfed, having my taste buds assaulted and stimulated. I am used to this physical self abuse. It is my life now, has been for years. And raw is not only new, but offers changes. I will change. My preferences will change, I cannot rely on the old rules, standards. I am remaking myself in a new form and I cannot predict what will happen. That is not totally true. I can predict substantial improvement in health, leanness, flexibility, even good looks. All that I can trust, cause it began to happen with me and I have seen plenty of before and after photos on raw. But, honestly, I don't know what this will mean about holidays, birthdays, rituals, routines. Letting go entirely of the idea of coffee and a newspaper on Sunday morning feels weird.. although I have not had a cup of coffee in months and have not bought a Sunday paper in years.. LOL It is the idea of comfort. I am hanging on to an idea of comfort and safety. I know better. Life is not safe, not comfortable. And yet I want my food to be that.
I got my energy together around July and did the 40 day Master Cleanse. And no matter how much I have whined to myself about low fat raw.. it is no way harder than the MC. It is so much easier and more fun than that and somehow I think I can't do 40 days of the Ultimate Boot Camp Diet?? Where is that hogwash coming from?? Man, that kind of thinking ticks me off.
I am gathering my energy now, stoking my engine, getting my head totally clear to make this leap to what my body tells me I really want - simple no added nothing raw.. No restaurants, no recipes, no faking myself out with look alike or taste alike food.. Just jumping off the edge of my area of comfort, habit and let me not forget the area of physical pain.
I love reading Carlene's journal because she is in that new place I want to explore for myself. Her reports are encouraging. I have tasted what raw can do for me, little tastes. I want to live there, in raw healthy land all the time. I really don't like the roller coaster ride I have been on. I much prefer the steadiness of plain raw. I really like the way I look - soooo much!! I glow. The problem is this idea I have fostered for so long that food has got to be glamorous, big time fun, a feast!! And dehydrating raw food.. well, that just continues the myth, the lie that food is entertainment. My body does not like dehydrated or dried foods - simple as that. It struggles to digest them. I pay the price every time and it is a high one. I notice that the crackers - and in fact all cooked and complicated raw foods - affect how my taste buds react the next day.. that which was delicious the day before tastes bland, boring, not great.. so I eat a bit less, get grumpy - not a fun day, like today. Cause nothing tasted wonderful, not watermelon, not plums, not grapes, not nothing. Grrrrrr. And then I want to blame raw when it was the cooked/dehydrated foods at fault.
And I really have no interest in living like that all the time.. One day watermelon raptures, the next day - eh!! So, rather than making any rules, I am just going to do this.. for me, for my body. I am pointed in that direction... now to get moving.
About a week ago, knowing that I will be growing the silver back, and needing to be able to stay warm - I have been cold since going raw - I decided to encourage myself to go have it cut by chopping the bangs myself. Then last night I saw Judy Dench with her short hair on PBS and woke up today ready for the freedom... and here I am, shorn and spikey. It has product in it in this new pic. I feel so free, strong, clear and beautiful. I cannot wait to workout again, shower and towel it dry. Yay!!!
What a great day today has been. I loved it all.
The page that inspired me The soup was pretty good, but I think more tomatoes and less pico de galo is the key. grin
Getting my workout done first thing is going to have to be a priority for me. Somehow, I end up distracted throughout the day if I don't just do it first. My mood took a dive in the second half of the day. I thought I knew why and got all into my 'problems'.. but only now, just before bed did I discover that I have a coated tongue.. so all that mood is one simple thing - detox. A coated tongue is a dead give away for me on raw. I had a major detox in my first weeks of Camp - more than five days of ick, headache, runny nose and sneezing. Now, I just have to buckle down, hang on and ride the detox out. I know that I will feel tons better afterwards. It is always that way - worth the trip. Lots of water will help.
My favorite green smoothie recipe: a banana, 2 c pineapple chunks, 2 cups baby spinach... and plenty of water.. Wow!! I love this combo. Using kale or collard instead of spinach is a little stronger, but just as great.
This cool hat was made by Julie Goodenough. Click on her name and you can visit her site and see her other creations!
I posted this a bit later: I can feel the resistance building. I can feel my energy wanting to escape the simplicity and clarity of raw. The excuses, the weasley thoughts are strong, familiar and so tempting. "I don't need a program to do this. I am perfectly capable of doing this on my own. I don't want to give credit or power away to anyone else - I am doing this. I don't need the accountability, the support, companionship on the road. I have travelled it alone long and well. I don't want to have to share my struggles, show how vulnerable and weak and often mistaken I am. I certainly don't want to kow-tow to a bunch of rules. I am a grown up. I don't have to do any of this and I won't." My sister and her hubby have birthdays this week and the talk is about that cooked baked good.. and it got to me. Of course it did. The idea of it is great. But the truth of it in my body is a whole other story. And that is the truth about all the lies I wrote above. They are lies. I cannot do this alone, I need the input of the millions of people in my Universe. I need the energy, thoughts, stimulation and inspiration to stay on course, because I am pioneering a new path for myself. And I do make mistakes. Mistakes used to mean that I was wrong rather than I did something that did not work. Mistakes were forbidden, punishable. I am here in camp and making mistakes and still alive, in fact more alive than ever, down 22.5 pounds and beginning to really know that this is it. I am getting thin. A challenging thought to wrap my head around. I saw my friend on Saturday and he saw a fat me and still will for a long time. I don't blame him. And I felt it all day. I carried that awareness that my focus is on the thin me and people are still seeing the fat one. I don't like that discord. I like being unified in my truth. But the real fact is that I am the thin me already... right now. I can touch, taste, feel and love it right now. I am not leaving, swerving or stopping for anything now. I had some cravings yesterday. I saw them as signs that the food I ate on Saturday was not the best for me. I had nightmares today - Carlene suggested that this is my subconcious facing that I am doing this - all the way. I won't settle for less than my goal. I am not giving in or giving up. I want it. I want it bad. And I am willing to be uncomfortable, scared, cold, angry, distressed, craving, confused, upset, tired, alone, hungry, still fat, crying, pulled muscles or in pain... all the way to thin. A place and a me I have not been in, um... almost 40 years. It is no wonder I am in turmoil. No wonder I think rebellious thoughts. No wonder using EFT or other techniques helps me so much. As does skin brushing, hot towel scrubbing, meditating, chanting.... and my always can be counted on gratitude list. People will come and go at camp. I am staying and doing this all the way. My body loves the non fat food, and loves how much easier it is to move. I have decided this. I can feel that there is less and less wiggle room. I want it is more important.
I have completed thirty solid days of camp and I am very pleased with my progress and how this works..
Thursday 060316
I am beginning to really believe that I will reach and live at my goal weight. I am beginning to trust that in the daytime. This is causing things to shift in my mind and there is some anxiety as to whom I shall be, how i shall act and what I will ultimately look like. I think my mind just tried to make peace with it and could not. I certainly feel a great deal younger now than just a few months ago. My libido is making itself known as well. So, this is an active time on many levels.
And here is my raw-for-sixty-days-solid face...
My sister called and helped me see that I am feeling the loss of cooked food. And she also helped me realize that the question now is do I really miss it enough to go back to it? Do I miss the old food enough to regain 64 pounds?? Have aches and pains, be fatigued constantly, struggle to focus my mind and think? In other words do I really miss cooked that much that I will go back ever.. or has something truly changed in me and is raw ruling the roost now? Why would I want to go back to feeling bad, being fatter and losing hope?? I wouldn't and don't. I am very glad to know this. I felt so sad that my cooked history is just that - history. But now I realize that I am in the midst of creating a new life because of eating raw food.
I began with the required hour of exercise and have worked up to a pretty consistant 1.5-2 hours a day . I am eager to move now. I want even more of it. The food is a constant surprise, raw food is pretty simple, no cooking for one. But the flavors, unlike cooked or fast food are not consistant. Some watermelons are sweet and ripe, others bland and watery. My latest favorite Manilla Mangos are so tart when unripe, and can get almost fermented if over ripe, and so a meal of three or more can become a real experience of individual mango lives, each being unique. You go to McDonald's and they deliver the same food over and over, meal after meal.
I have tried coconut water twice now. The first time I was blown away with the scent - fantastic! I tried a virgin colada today - young coconut water, a little of the coconut itself and a couple cups of raw pineapple.. it was so good. I look forward to having that again. Plus opening the coconut was much easier the second time! New skills!
I love exercising. I look forward to it and feel best of all right afterwards. I went walking four three times yesterday as well as doing almsot an hour of dancing. My body must really be a lot better, it loves to move!!
Or, maybe the Oxypowder just was a bit too much for my system. I am skipping it tonight and will see how I feel in the morning. I did manage to 'force' myself to eat an entire 16 pound watermelon.. and you can bet I was smiling through it all!
I am going to skip adding fat for awhile.. and see how it feels longer term. My skin and digestion are still telling me it is too much for my body right now. No added fat makes this easier, actually. NO fuss, no muss, just simple fruit, veg and some smoothies.
I am feeling the urge to build more muscle. I can see a difference in the mirror today just from all the belly and leg work I do in dancing.. I really like it.
The camp website is moving and I deeply feel the loss of the routine of blogging, checking in with the other campers, reading their blogs, celebrating the big and little stuff that life holds as we make our raw way to health and leanness. So, I took a new picture to reassure myself that I am doing the right thing for myself.. The smile is a little forced, but it helped.
I am down a total of 3 pounds for the week. grin I am pleased about that. I am learning how my body actually reacts to fats, and the benefits of healing and the weight loss are better when fats are lower. I have not had any cooked food since the middle of February. It gets easier to want to stay raw as the time goes on. I do have longing thoughts about guacamole, nuts, raw cakes, raw spaghetti and raw stuffed muschrooms... but mostly the body's happiness is paramount. Letting myself become attached to delicious raw foods during my first 45 days raw turns out to have been a smart thing. Now, I am not struggling with cooked, but simply with different versions of raw. I was watching "The Jury" last night.. one of the characters is newly sober and I can see how my going raw is like going sober.. food was my drug, and now I am living clean. I overeat sometimes, but there is no obsession, no planning, no lusting, no great hit from eating. I simply get hungry and then eat something. Next! Of course the skills to move on to whatever is next are not so strong. I do have really terrible moments of despair - I suspect they are detox as much as anything. I have fears: That I will never be 'normal' again.. whatever that means. That I will get really comfortable being raw all the time and never fit in. That I will never find other things that satisfy as much as food used to.. well, that is not right, food did not satisfy.. LOL It blanketed it all. Smothered all the desires, needs, wants and feelings. And right now I am a bit raw on raw.. grin I feel every moment, it is vivid and loud and pretty darned exciting. And sometimes I so want to zone out, achieve oblivion.. and raw food just does not take me where cooked did. I have tried, I confess. It does not work that way. So, I am here, wide awake seemingly all the time. My needs and desires are screaming at me some days.
Honestly, I do prefer life on raw, I have a total of 130 days of 100% raw. I am so alive. It is just not familiar, comfortable and does not feel totally safe. I am hoping that time will take the edge off.
Massage does move the lymph and that only helps with detox. I felt so inwardly peaceful and happy last night. I feel a bit exposed and rough today. Even with more sleep, I feel fatigued. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep some more, but on raw, when I am up - that is it.
I slid a bit today with food.. no, no danger of me breaking raw, but I did have extra fat in the form of avocados. And although it was exactly what I thought I wanted, something majorly has shifted for me and it did nothing that it was supposed to do. It did not comfort, quiet, inspire, energize, focus, cheer or thrill me in any way. It did not even taste spectacular. The only thrill, and that wore off with the first bite - was flouting my own rules. I don't like admitting how much I hoped food would continue to be my friend through this process. I admitted as much to Carlene in February. I harbored a secret wish that I could remain on the same intimate terms with food no matter what anyone said. And today I think the death knell of this one sided relationship has sounded. I was distressed at first. I have let go of so much already. I am a rawbie, 100%, and have been long enough to know that this is it for me. Sounds so small to me right now, but it is huge to go against your entire culture and refuse their food. I know the ripples of this will be even bigger. Okay, now, I sound whiny even to me. I am whiny. LOL I only wanted to change so much, go so far. And I had this idea that I could control what that amount and direction would be. The truth is making itself known to me: if I accept the health and energy that raw food gives, I will be changed by them. The first change I see is that my life, as wonderful as it is is not enough any more. It was enough for the 300+ pound woman I 'used to was', but this me wants much more, is willing to dream of it, work for it and allow it in her life. I am. I am willing to do that.
I boogied for an hour on top of two long walks, so much for less desire to work out.
My thoughts have been about leaving camp for a week now. I am so glad I joined, it was worth every penny and moment I spent and I am grateful for the inspiration, support and direction I received. I also appreciated the unexpected break we had.. and realized during it that I wanted to take the time and energy I was investing in camp and focus it on the new dreams that had been born from my greater health in the area of my career and in muscle building workouts.. perhaps with a trainer. So, I decided to leave and then sat with my decision for a week. I am grateful to Carlene for setting up camp and for inspiring me to go beyond what I thought I could and thus discovering even more about raw food and my body. And I am grateful for the companionship I had along the way with the wonderful people on the camp forum. I will be continuing this journey on my own. It is logical and natural as I am a spiritual loner - most visual artists are. I will be dancing tonight and beginning back with 100% raw in the morning.. no deprivation, no limits... exactly what feels best and helps me gain the most health even as I lose this excess fat.
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